There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds. Laurell K. Hamilton
It wasn’t until two years ago that I self diagnosed myself as ‘Depressed’, not because it was cool and in trend at the time, because I read too many articles and completely related to them. I took almost 50 online tests to see if my symptoms matched up. They did – Every time.
When I told people that I may be depressed, the first thing I heard was, “Get over it. Smile, life is beautiful.” Well, that’s what the problem is – Depression is not something that can be snapped out of. It is not a state of mind, but a neurochemical condition. If I cut my finger while cutting vegetables, will you guys tell me to snap out of the finger cut or ask me to apply a bandage? If we choose the latter for a physical pain then why not for a mental pain?
Two years ago, I came out about my mental health to my best friend, my then boyfriend and my mother. I have always been the person who embraces my own faults, but may not act upon it. Problem is the society made me to feel this is my fault. My mother obviously did not understand this and instantly blamed my untrustworthy ex boyfriend for this. She completely thought it was my love life that caused me the pain. My then boyfriend asked me, “Why are you creating a huge thing out of the fight we had last week?” I do not blame them as our society really do not talk about mental health of a person and we always think, ‘We can control the mental state. We can snap out of it. We are nothing but making a big deal out of it.’
Fortunately, my best friend exactly understood how I felt and that’s when I realized she needs to be heard too.
Coming back to present, my immune system has been a concern since I have moved out of house. I have been falling sick a lot every time I am back to Mumbai.
As an Assistant Manager, I handle a team of 15 and frequent leaves do not look good on my data. Yesterday, I had a weird pain in the eye and yet another reason to not travel back to work. I then analyzed my situation and realized two years ago, I wanted to run away from home to find peace, now that I am away from home, I still do not feel right. I started talking to my best friend telling her how ethically wrong it is to skip work. I am not even doing something productive sitting at home. She forced me to start therapy as my thoughts started becoming self-doubting and self-harming.
4th January, 2020 – I finally started therapy. I wanted to first see if the doctor also says it is depression. I just informed her how I felt that night and she without a blink stated – I have clinical depression. To a stage that I have to be put on anti-depressants.
Depression is real and it takes a lot of lives in India on an hourly basis. My mood flipped from 100 to 0 in no second; not because, I thought I am sick, but the reason was – Why am I always SICK?
- PC: Quora – Joker
This is just a post to let all of you guys know that I have a best friend who forced me to talk about my mental health to a specialist and if you do not have that best friend, please remember that Chaoticsoulzzz is here to let you know, you are not alone. Seek help, there is no harm in it.
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