I am the fat kid from school, who used to sit on the first bench, but not academically intelligent. I was smart, but not intelligent. I liked subjects that were considered to be ‘okay-ish’ – English! Science, Maths and History, never inspired me. I used to love writing in school. I used to write diaries back then, about my school crush, about suicides, about my dream and sadly a lot about Body Shaming myself. It was better to body shame myself rather than listening to the world outside.
The world outside was always a mean place to live in. When I was 15, my life took a twist, I matured to the most silently, sensible girl. I studied harder. My dreams of becoming a journalist changed to completing my commerce graduation, instead. My dreams of covering Bollywood parties, changed to me working in a call centre. At the age of 20, I took up my first BPO job. I earned 18,000 when I was 20. It was a big deal for the middle class girl who had lost all her riches.
By the time I was 25, I was on the top of my financial game and then Depression hit me, bad! Suicidal thoughts were so common that, I was scared of being alone. A failure in love, a failure in life and back to the same old Fat me! Body shaming was again my best game. I called myself ugly and fat because I didn’t want people to call me that, first. I started off my career from scratch. I decided to live my dream and started searching for writing jobs. I got some, but the salary was 10 times less than what I was last earning. I rejected all the jobs that came my way and depression was not leaving me alone.
I wasn’t at my happy place. I used to feel lonely with my family and best friend. At the age of 26, after a 9 month break I started working in a BPO again. I had a family to take care of. I had my lifestyle to be covered. I was single but happy. I stopped blogging because, travelling had taken up most of my time. I travelled 2 hours to reach work, I still do. It isn’t any better now.
I joined a gym, overcoming my fear of gym. Last time I joined it, I wasted my money. This time I was determined and then life happened again. I am 28, still fat, a gym membership lying on my table. I travel 2 hours to reach work and 2hours to reach home. In between of this 4 hours travelling, I have 10hour shift to cover. I have a sleeping disorder, I think. I sleep like a dead person. There are days when I miss work because I don’t feel like waking up.
Do I go to the gym? I try my level best, but yes I have been a little laid back for the last 1 week. The last one week; however, has been good at work. I know I’m a part of the core team. I have meetings with the big faces of the process. I am considered as an important person at work.
Unfortunately, that makes my close ones question my dedication for health and fitness. They question my life decisions. They don’t question the salary I get on the first, though!
Why don’t people understand that, there’s just so much I can do! Anything more than this means me giving up on sanity. I want to be sane, I hate being the fat kid, but I also hate being depressed, poor and unhappy.