I am the fat kid from school, who used to sit on the first bench, but not academically intelligent. I was smart, but not intelligent. I liked subjects that were considered to be ‘okay-ish’ – English! Science, Maths and History, never inspired me. I used to love writing in school. I used to write diaries back then, about my school crush, about suicides, about my dream and sadly a lot about Body Shaming myself. It was better to body shame myself rather than listening to the world outside.

The world outside was always a mean place to live in. When I was 15, my life took a twist, I matured to the most silently, sensible girl. I studied harder. My dreams of becoming a journalist changed to completing my commerce graduation, instead. My dreams of covering Bollywood parties, changed to me working in a call centre. At the age of 20, I took up my first BPO job. I earned 18,000 when I was 20. It was a big deal for the middle class girl who had lost all her riches.

By the time I was 25, I was on the top of my financial game and then Depression hit me, bad! Suicidal thoughts were so common that, I was scared of being alone. A failure in love, a failure in life and back to the same old Fat me! Body shaming was again my best game. I called myself ugly and fat because I didn’t want people to call me that, first. I started off my career from scratch. I decided to live my dream and started searching for writing jobs. I got some, but the salary was 10 times less than what I was last earning. I rejected all the jobs that came my way and depression was not leaving me alone.

I wasn’t at my happy place. I used to feel lonely with my family and best friend. At the age of 26, after a 9 month break I started working in a BPO again. I had a family to take care of. I had my lifestyle to be covered. I was single but happy. I stopped blogging because, travelling had taken up most of my time. I travelled 2 hours to reach work, I still do. It isn’t any better now.

I joined a gym, overcoming my fear of gym. Last time I joined it, I wasted my money. This time I was determined and then life happened again. I am 28, still fat, a gym membership lying on my table. I travel 2 hours to reach work and 2hours to reach home. In between of this 4 hours travelling, I have 10hour shift to cover. I have a sleeping disorder, I think. I sleep like a dead person. There are days when I miss work because I don’t feel like waking up.

Do I go to the gym? I try my level best, but yes I have been a little laid back for the last 1 week. The last one week; however, has been good at work. I know I’m a part of the core team. I have meetings with the big faces of the process. I am considered as an important person at work.

Unfortunately, that makes my close ones question my dedication for health and fitness. They question my life decisions. They don’t question the salary I get on the first, though!

Why don’t people understand that, there’s just so much I can do! Anything more than this means me giving up on sanity. I want to be sane, I hate being the fat kid, but I also hate being depressed, poor and unhappy.

Love Thyself!

Written by Chaotic Soul

Ashmita Chatterjee is a Creative Writer/Blogger from Mumbai. She is an Enthusiast, Straight Forward girl who has found joy in Writing Blogs. Ashmita is a Loud Creator of Amazing Blogs, Short Stories and Erotica at Chaoticsoulzzz! She started her blog in 2011. When Ashmita is not being very busy, she can be found Writing, Reading, Eating, or Recklessly Travelling with her loved ones. She is known by the name of @chaoticsoulzzz on her Twitter and Instagram.

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