“Love maybe hazardous to your health! A delicious but inconvenient, messy and tiring truth. But also the best feeling in the world, one that you need to experience at least twice in your lifetime…”
– Advantage Love, Madhuri Banerjee
Just when your relationship goes through a rough patch and all you want to do is listen to old Bollywood songs and read a love story and maybe eat take away Chinese food, comes the flashback from your ex! You feel jinxed when you read a book and realize that the writer of the book has jotted down your current affair in the book.
At times, weekend is just not how intimate you wished it would’ve been. Luckily, my weekend wasn’t that intimate and my guy was too busy this weekend. Obviously there was a pinch in my heart that he was busy and I was not the reason for him to be busy, but I couldn’t be the sticky girlfriend, or could i? So I decided to rather sleep like a dead person or rather just sleep until it is Monday. I managed to sleep almost 24 hours, but again I was left with a Sunday. I managed to rummage through a new book that I had ordered earlier this month as a birthday gift to myself. It is a love story of an independent woman by Madhuri Banerjee. Madhuri Banerjee is one of my favorite authors, majorly for Two Reasons – one, She writes about SEX in her book, even though she knows her major book buyers will be from India who yet don’t take SEX as a good topic to be read. Second Reason – She is a Bong!
Anyway while reading the book, the story took a turn where Trisha, the lead female protagonist of the book met her Ex, whom she still wasn’t over and secretly loved him, though she had a guy in her life who made her happy and wasn’t afraid of commitment. This made me walk down the memory lane. Every line said by Trisha was more like me saying in my mind. I could just imagine me and my ex. Trisha’s makeover made me realize, how much had I changed after my break up with my ex. Trisha’s Current boyfriend, Abhimanyu had actually given her the commitment she needed and told his family and friends that Trisha was his girlfriend; still Trisha reconsidered reconciling with her ex when she saw him, Vedant, who had never addressed her as his girlfriend in public, in fact just used her. I thought about my ex and looked at my phone expecting a call from my current boyfriend. The frustration of he not calling me made me feel angry and I kept reading the book. As and when the book came to an end, I was totally back to normal and was happy with my own Confused Soul (My Boyfriend) and thought of all the good moments with him and then a smile was on my face when the thought of seeing him tomorrow at work struck my mind. The happiness of seeing him and the happiness that the book ended on a happy note made me feel satisfied.
I told myself: “A.S, my ex, never was committed to me. He always met me in the dark lights of a theater. He never wanted anything concrete out of the relation we had. He might be just using me for something intimate. I was glad enough that I didn’t give out too much to him. I told myself, that A.S. will never come back in my life, even if he does, it won’t be for the good, not for me at least.
Confused Soul isn’t someone whom my friends or family likes. In fact all of them are just in total disagreement of him. But I think there can be a scope of improvement. He might be confused but at least he can take care of my chaotic soul. He knows when to make me smile. He knows what will make me happy. He has seen me cry in the dark shadows of night and seen me laugh in the funniest way on the roads. He has just been with me for three months now, but he makes me cherished every moment spent with him. We fought, we loved, and we cried together, we laughed like fools. I don’t feel ashamed of anything when with him. I don’t feel ashamed of my fats down there rather he makes me feel proud of the stretch marks by telling me – you have gone that far and these are the marks that will keep reminding you of who you were. He has been seeing me crying over my hair fall and tells me every time, “Even if you don’t have any, I won’t leave you.” He has told me almost all his past and heard a lot of mine too. He respects me for who I am and he is proud enough to show me off to his friends. He made sure my birthday was special enough and took me out on a vacation. He brings me at least a chocolate every day without fail. He has watched movies with me because I love watching them. He has had Noodles with me so many times though he detests its. Though he doesn’t reads books and are not the writer types. We are poles apart, but yet he tries to bring the poles together he keeps trying, most of the times. He has been with me in my state of being complete drunk and didn’t take advantage of me. He might not be the Prince Charming my mom always wanted me to be with, but he is certainly the Mr. Imperfect I always wanted to meet. For now, I am very happy with the Confused Soul.”
Just after I gave myself this long speech and wiped off the tear off my cheeks and smiled looking at his picture on Facebook, I saw a notification. Shock! The impossible had just happened. My Ex, who has been out of my sight, had liked a picture of me with my brother. I was shocked and rambled 2-3 profane words and then shamelessly clicked on his profile. Saw his picture and was nostalgic. I was guilty when I thought of the good moments spent with him. I felt guilty when I thought of the first kiss with him and remembered it even now after 6 years. I was 18 and naïve when I first met him and he corrupted me with his charm. I still remember every moment spent with him. Not that all of them were breath taking but the moments with him were more than enough for me, THEN.
I went ahead and closed his profile and told myself how cruel he was with me and started writing this off. I feel like meeting him once to end it up in a way that he doesn’t walk through my mind when I am with Confused Soul. I am not in love with him yet, but, I still want to meet him, so that he knows what he has lost and secondly to end it in a way that every time I listen to ‘3 Doors Down – Here Without You’ I don’t think of him.
Wishing a Goodbye to him via my Blog is the only way I can think of. I still secretly hope that he reads my blogs and knows how ill I feel of him. I am completely in love with my Confused Soul; it’s just that First Love happens to be first forever. Just if, A.S. is reading this: I have never hated anyone more than you!
Just for the records, i don’t have picture of mine and Confused Soul, but as soon as we have it, i will be posting it over.
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