I was not sleepy last night, so I decided to scribble up something on a paper…thought of getting up from the bed but as usual was too sluggish to rise… switching on the computer was out of question as for that I would have to go to the other room… so the last resort for me my mobile phone… I just searched for it on my bed and finally found it under my pillow…
This is what was going on in my mind when I typed on the mobile phone last night…
“As u all might know that it is difficult to forget our FIRST LOVE… but in my case it’s a bit different as I don’t have first love its all about my FIRST CRUSH after I turned 18… I don’t consider my crushes before 18 as crushes because they were simply childish…
Since the day he had left for Egypt I thought of him everyday… used to miss him every single time when I heard a song associated to him… watched his favorite movies and used to cry… he was the first man I had come in contact with… for me he was the best man ever after my father… this guy had a great impact on me… he was all over my mind and heart… well I will call him Mr. A!!!
But thanks to this GUY who came in my life from the day I was working with the firm I always wanted to work with… he had a greater impact on me than Mr. A… because of him this is the fourth or fifth week where I didn’t think of Mr. A… I don’t know if it’s a good thing or no… I am sure it is!!!
Now when Mr. A is back in India for his visa renewal, still I am not thinking about him… earlier when he used to say that he cant meet me or is busy I used to feel bad but now-a-days it really doesn’t matter… rather now-a-days I frown when he sends a text message… I am totally over him and have forgotten every moment spend with him or spend in thinking about him…
But I think I still do have that little soft corner for him… when I had a crush on him I had mistaken it with LOVE… I was too young then to know; what is the difference between LOVE and INFATUATION!!! I was just 18 when I met him… he obviously made an impact on me… then when was 18 I had high hopes from a crush… today when I am 21 I know my priorities in life… today I do understand how foolish I was then… was foolish enough to misunderstand it for LOVE…
That was just puppy love or attraction as we call it… he was nothing but the perfect picture of the boyfriend I had made up after reading hundreds of mills and boons… but books are books… and he was too perfect to be real… he had a killer smile that always made me melt deep inside… he had the perfect way of talking… but all I was impressed then as a 18year old girl was the masculine nature of his…
But today at the 21st year of my life I know that LOVE doesn’t happens this way…well now all I have is a crush for this guy who is 1000 times better than Mr. A… this time I am not attracted to him for his good looks but there are other things that made me attracted to him… and this time I know that I like him more than Mr. A but as I said earlier I wouldn’t mix up LOVE AND ATTRACTION!!! This guy is the understanding one… he cares for people… his care for people is what attracted me to him… his loving nature is being loved by all… Mr. A had never asked me why was I awake late at night and never told me that I should get some proper sleep but this guy always keeps on asking me why am I not sleeping? Which is sweet… its rare to find a guy who is so sweet… these small gestures by a person makes you feel special and means a lot…
He is a sweetheart and is loved by all… looking at him every face has a smile, at least I have… I know I will never fall in love, not that I love someone but because it’s very difficult to find a guy who would understand me… I am not expecting any big or small commitments from this guy but all I hope is to spend some good time with him that will be cherished by both of us… I don’t want things between us to be bitter like that between me and Mr. A… but yes one thing’s for sure that my priorities in life right now is not LOVE but my career… and I know that he understands that well…
Being committed is something that is not possible for him as well as me… for him because as he has already told to me that his parents are searching for a girl for him for his marriage… and for me because I am just 21 and have to make my career… I have given myself 7 years from now to build my career and then fall in love… in this 7 years if I meet a guy who would be able to handle me and will understand my priorities in life I would get married to him and if I don’t meet such a guy I would marry a guy of my mom’s choice… but the 7 years that I have I want to enjoy it to the fullest…
Talking about commitments, I understand his point of view… and that’s the reason I don’t want any commitment from him all I hope for is some good moments… moments of love… moments where I expect him to come and tell me the problems he is facing and listen to what I have to say… moments where he would be angry and I have to cool him down or vice a versa… funny moments, sad moments, happy moments, crucial moments… I want someone to share their problems with me and their happiness and their sadness as I know there’s a lot he is going through… I just want to be a good listener… in return I am not asking for any commitment… maybe its contradictory but something’s and some relations can be based on without commitments… and it goes well all the way and ends well too…
I mean I don’t know what I am saying is practical or no but this is what is my point of view… as I say I don’t know what is LOVE… and at the age of 21 I wouldn’t know it either… but I don’t want to miss the most beautiful age of my life cribbing about things… I don’t want to turn 80 and then say that, “I wish I would have being in a relationship with the guy when I was 21” running behind commitment will take me no where… so its better to be in a relationship with a guy without any commitment but with utmost trust… and for the first time in my life I am ready for a CASUAL RELATIONSHIP…
Well at the moment I am happy with the ‘puppy love’ and am looking forward for a relationship without a commitment… also I am loving my work a lot and I know the place where I work when has given me so many encounter with reality will give me something that I hope for… Ironically my work has given me this new guy who has unknowingly helped me forget Mr. A and has also given me the new mindset…
Well s they say LETS HOPE FOR THE BEST!!!”
This is the result of a nice calm time to myself in the night with a lot going on in mind and good music that motivated the thought more… this is the result of not being lethargic at nights… it was fun re-typing it…
The Chaotic Soul 
That’s a lot going through your mind in the middle of the night..life is full of ups and downs…joy and sadness…and sometimes, we are completely surprised by what happens to us, where we go or who we fall in love with…enjoy the journey!!
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i m njoying to the fullest…. n i love surprises……….
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Seems ur too conscious abt ya age……lol
Anyways,kinda similar to ma story…….Always remember,Life is too short 4 regrets…….. 😉
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zainab my friend… m not conscious abt my age but i m loving dis age….. its da best age to flirt, work, have fun, be naughty, etc….. 😉 i love my age as yet….
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your narration style is what i enjoyed the most, and its serious with loads of girlishness and emotions and lovebird talks… I used to think this way (chaotic mind) in school days and had a life turning experience in college, and both times I was in love (her bag over my bag used to make my day … I mean her presence used to send shivers through me) but then there were things which were more real, emotions which were more natural, heart -rendering etc. that gave a new perspective to me.
Anyways wish you a good luck and I hope u may be surrounded with some faithful and lovely friends always.
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